I now believe the organization is called The Interplanetary Consortium for the Design and Manufacture of Unopenable and Un-Resealable Nutritional Packaging, LLC, a joint venture of the Dark Web and the Deep State (funded with Bitcoins).
As “The X-Files” tried to tell us long ago, someone is trying to make sure it’s nearly impossible to get to the food we’ve purchased, and that, if opened, the involved package will prove just as unsealable so anything it contains will dry up like a political prisoner confined to a filthy bottom drawer of a fridge.
The result is that it’s only a matter of time before our grandsons start calling grilled cheese grilled cardboard and raise objections about my attempts to seal food containers with the assistance of a caulking gun.
The good news? Big Pharma is in the fight with us.
The makers of Ozempic and Jardiance are, of course, making a ton of money since they downsized Venus in a way the exertions of a long hall of fame career in tennis could not.
That has them particularly unhappy with the LLC’s cheerful new temptation resistant weight-loss message: “If you can’t open the package, you can’t eat what’s inside. And remember, our packages are available without a prescription – or a list of gross-out side-effects that might make people think twice before they put things called semaglutide or empagliflozin in their mouths."
But that side effects claim is true only if you don’t count hunger or rage as side-effects of constant exposure to what I’ve come to think of the Unopenables (packages) and the Untouchables (the food inside them).
And that doesn’t count the exposure to sharp objects.
Who among us hasn’t grabbed a pair of scissors or a knife while in dubious battle with an unruly package? And who hasn’t exposed their food to contamination by reaching into a greasy toolbox to grab the needle nose plyers needed to peel the plastic tops off the microwave rice?
The national debt will grow when Medicare launches its Scissors for Seniors program so grandma and grandpa can hang a pair around their necks to get into their food. (Quick to follow will be Round-Ended Scissors for Seniors, sponsored by America’s Emergency Room Physicians.)
Also look for Home Depot, Lowe’s and Menard’s to add a 95th aisle to their stores called Food Accessibility and for Ikea to develop a Swedish version of the Swiss Army Knife attached to the body of a singing Swedish Chef.
Call it a package deal.
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