TOM: To answer your last question first, Darren: No. But thanks for asking.
RAY: I think the easiest thing to do is widen the theater’s doorway, Darren. I think that’s an easier job. Cars are not made to be assembled or disassembled so easily.
TOM: If you can’t actually drive or push the cars onto the stage, I guess you’ve got two options. The better option is cardboard cutouts. I’m sure you’ve seen cardboard cutouts — where you can stand next to someone really famous, like Sleepy LaBeef, and have your picture taken, even though Sleepy’s too busy to actually stand next to you.
RAY: Well, you could have photographs taken and cutouts made for the parts of the front ends of two cars. That’s about as easy and safe as it gets in terms of moving, assembly and disassembly.
TOM: It would cost you some money to have them made. But they’d probably look pretty good, or at least good enough for a theater that doesn’t have a loading bay.
RAY: If that’s too expensive or too easy an option, then you need to do a little disassembly and fabrication over at your local junkyard.
TOM: You want just the body parts — without the mechanicals. So you need to find a couple of junkers that are ready for the crusher. Those will have the engine removed, along with the steering components, the suspension and everything else under there. Not to mention the hazardous fluids. That’s a big job, and it’s not one you want to tackle yourself.
RAY: You’ll then have to cut the body to remove the roof and everything behind the A-pillar (which is what the windshield attaches to), saving the doors for later.
TOM: Then you need to remove, as carefully as you can, the hood, the front fenders, the grille and the headlights, trying not to destroy them.
RAY: Once you have your parts, you can try to install some hinges on the insides of them that allow you to pop in a pin during assembly and pop it out during disassembly so the parts come apart.
TOM: But these are not going to be pretty, street-worthy cars, Darren. These were cars that were moments away from the crusher, before you chewed ’em up with your Sawzall!
RAY: If you go this route, you’ll have to mask the audience’s view of underneath the car (a curbstone? Some grass? A black curtain? Very dim lighting?) so you can prop the whole thing up from below, including the wheels and doors, and add some chairs for the actors. And hope it doesn’t all collapse during Act II.
TOM: On the other hand, if you use cardboard cutouts instead, the underside of the car will already be part of the front photographic panel, so you don’t have to worry about masking your contraption. You even can include a realistic oil leak in the photo, Darren. So seriously consider the cardboard option. And break a strut!
Discontinued brand, not necessarily discontinued car
Dear Tom and Ray:
I drove a 2010 Mercury Mariner as a rental in Tucson, Ariz., last winter. I’m a snowbird now from the Chicago area and need a car down there. I really liked the car but saw that it is being discontinued. Would it be a mistake to buy a 2010 or slightly older Mariner, in terms of future repairs and parts? I am a petite 58-year-old who drives a 2007 Honda CR-V in the cold, snowy weather. Thanks for your help. — Denise
TOM: It’s not the Mariner that’s being discontinued. It’s the entire brand!
RAY: But fortunately for you, the Mariner is exactly the same as the Ford Escape, which Ford continues to make and service. So any Ford dealer should be able to service this for you. And parts should be available as long as Escape parts are available.
TOM: I mean, you might have a problem with parts someday if the Mercury logo falls off. You might have to replace it with a Dodge logo or something. But other than that, you should have no trouble servicing this car.
RAY: Or, you can just buy a loaded-up Escape, which is almost identical. Either way, happy wintering, Denise.
Send your comments or questions for Tom and Ray to: Car Talk Plaza, P.O. Box 3500 Harvard Square, Cambridge, MA 02238. Listen to them Saturdays at 10 a.m. on 91.3 FM or 88.5 FM. Visit them on the Internet at www.cartalk.com.
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