Sharp-dressed and deranged.
Allegedly lying and cheating and
Stealing cash from his campaign ….
Welcome to Grandpa Tom’s annual Christmas Carol Column, where our sources tell us that Santa himself may have played a role in getting his near namesake expelled from Congress.
After seeing campaign literature in which George claimed to be Santos Claus, Mr. Christmas had the elves check the records and was told Little George fell off the “good list” when he was 4 and has taken a perverse pleasure in receiving a lump of fossil fuel to burn every year since.
Santa, who for decades has denied kissing anyone’s Mommy underneath the Christmas tree, now suggests that Santos was behind the sexual harassment scandal that led Mrs. Claus to spend time with the penguins at the South Pole when the popular song about the embarrassing moment was at the top of the charts.
Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, a tight labor market has had the elves working overtime to keep up with demand for Barbies. The pointy-eared ones also are calling Taylor Swift “Spawn of Barbie” for being a living doll and making all those albums they have to deliver.
Like everyone else, though, Will Ferrell’s buddies give the singer props for stomping on Ticketmaster with the spike heels they put under her tree last Christmas. When Ticketmaster’s website crashed early this year, FEMA had to respond to local flooding caused by weeping Swifties.
This just in: After luring Ken away from Barbie while the film was being made, Taylor has dumped him, too. All of this has rumors swirling that, come next year, holiday shoppers will be crashing the doors on Black Friday to get their hands on Rebound Barbie and Rebound Ken.
The Ghost of Earle Bruce Past has been haunting the Ohio State Horseshoe since the Buckeyes’ third consecutive loss to That Team Up North. After winning 81 games in his nine seasons in Columbus, Bruce was booted to the curb for not winning enough of those against the boys in the maze and blue winged helmets, as the current coach well knows.
To the tune of O, Christmas Tree
O, Ryan day, O, Ryan Day,
We really like your coaching,
But Ryan Day, O, Ryan Day,
The end may be approaching.
Because you’ve lost to Michigan,
(which led Earle Bruce to fish again,)
O, Ryan Day, O, Ryan Day
The end may be approaching.
My conspiracy theorist neighbor has been letting air out of all the tires in the neighborhood in hopes that it will reduce inflation. He calls it his air replacement theory. I call it the air club for men. But he’s right about one thing. This year, toys are costing an arm and a Lego.
To Jingle Bells
Dashing through the aisles
With inflation on the rage.
O’er the budget we go
Spending all the way.
Bell on register rings,
Overdrafts abound.
So, we’ll spike the egg nog
Extra hard on the second round.
Oh, slide and tap, slide, and tap,
Slide and tap all day.
Knowing that we’ll still be
deep in debt Thanksgiving Day.
Slide and tap, slide and tap,
Slide and tap all day.
Knowing that we’ll still be
deep in debt Thanksgiving Day.
Finally, from me to you and yours and they and theirs, best wishes celebrating whichever holiday makes you feel warmest at the coldest time of year.