Stafford: Christmas carols need updating for current scandalous era

Dec 02, 2017
Tom Stafford has Christmas carols for the modern era.

“If Joseph and Mary had showed up at Trump Tower, the Bible would be different. Better. There would have been room at the inn, which Obama never provided. And they’d have been able to afford to pay on the installment plan because of the massive middle class tax cut … BEST EVER …

“… Their baby’s name? Well, just like I prefer heroes that don’t get shot down, I’d have given him an American name like Joseph Jr. But I’ll get ICE to back off. Every Major League teams needs a good shortstop if we’re going to make America great again.”

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Just like we have a different kind of president, this is a different kind of year for the annual Christmas carol column.

In an extremely partisan atmosphere in which sexual harassment seems the only reason people would reach across the aisle, pundits at Not Too Breitbart News are suggesting that Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore, a Republican, and disgraced New York politician Anthony Weiner, a Democrat, might make a strong ticket, though there are some worries that evangelical Christians may be put off by the pairing of their names.

Meanwhile, at the North Pole, Mrs. Santa is focused on Al Franken-sense rather than the traditional brand. No longer convinced that a stern look over the top of her wire-rim glasses is going to keep her husband from showing up in a picture in which his hands are hovering above two snow cones on Mrs. Frosty, she’s asked Santa to take the HR training being offered to members of that well known gentlemen’s club, Congress.

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Sources close to the Claus house say Mrs. Claus also has requested that her husband review the supplemental material developed for public officials from Alabama, who plan to use the training to familiarize themselves with those about to reach voting age.

When news of Santa’s troubles reached the White House, the president, recently returned from a round with role model Tiger Woods, lashed out at Claus: “Apparently like Little Marco and Little Rocket Man, Little St. Nick has to clean up his act. Soon he’ll be less popular than the Kim Jong Un haircut. SAD.”

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Commentators at CNN were quick to point out the president’s remarks won’t be lost on Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

Our first carol takes us to the land of the Nutcracker and the gremlin of the Kremlin, the man for whom every Monday is Cyber Monday. Sing this one to the tune of “Jolly Old St. Nicholas.”

Jolly good friend Vladimir,

I leaned my ear your way.

I’ve told every single soul

What you had to say.

Elections will be coming soon,

Now you dear ol’ Vlad.

I know you’ll not be meddling,

I believe just what you say.

Dropping down to the losers’ bracket, we’ll continue with a carol to the tune of “O, Christmas Tree” going out to the author of the New York Times bestseller, “What Happened.”

O, Hillary, O Hillary,

That dead horse don’t need beatin’.

O, Hillary, O Hillary,

Won’t cancel your defeatin’.

The Wiki Leaks were aimed at you,

But you sort of cheated Bernie, too.

O, Hillary, O, Hillary,

The dead horse don’t need beatin’.

Hadrian had his wall in Britannia. Berlin had its wall. Chinese President Xi Jinping has his wall. Sources at the White House say the president, while decorating his tree, has been singing, “All I want for Christmas is a border wall, a border wall, just a border wall …”

But this Christmas, he may have to sing a yuletide variation of a song from the most successful modern version of “The Wall,” the one by Pink Floyd. The president will sing it to Congress to the tune of “Comfortably Numb.”

Hello, hello, hello.

Is there anybody up there?

Just call me if you can hear me.

The White House is my home.

Come on, come on, now.

I know my polling is down.

But I can ease your pain.

If we return to the campaign.

Relax, appropriate some money.

Just some kind of act,

So I can keep the hope intact.

There are no funds I am receiving.

The Mexicans won’t pay a dime.

All you do is smile and wave.

Your lips move, but I

Don’t like what you say.

During the campaign,

I had a fever.

My small hands felt

like huge balloons.

Now I want that feeling once again.

I cannot explain,

you would not understand.

You’ve ruined what I planned.

I have become

comfortably shunned.