BILL LACKEY/STAFF

COMMENTARY: Tom Stafford’s annual Christmas Carols remake

He remains cooped up in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London like a Santa in a snug pair of Spanx.

But that hasn’t stopped Julian Assange from leaking.

And what he leaked this time is bigger than the dope on Hillary’s emails.

He leaked the list.

THE LIST.

I’m talking about the one the Deep State provides each year that contains the name of every child in the world and what he or she wants for Christmas. There have been rumors that some of the information once was secretly collected by Facebook in a practice Mark Zuckerberg has assured Congress has been discontinued. Zuckerberg has denied reports of Facebook involvement in the apps that allow Santa to see children when they’re sleeping and know when they’re awake.

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Assange (code name Cybergrinch) is believed to have procured THE LIST from Russian Nutcrackers once employed by the KGB and now working for the Russian conglomerate Oligarchs ‘R’ Us.

But in a dramatic turn of events, the plot was foiled when hacker elves on loan to Special Counsel Robert Mueller were to break into the filer and redact its contents.

The news set off a rare bipartisan celebration in Congress, made slightly awkward by injuries members of both parties incurred reaching over razor wire that’s been strung to secure the border once known as “the aisle.”

As soon as The Washington Post posted an online story about “The Hack That Saved Christmas,” a video went viral on the Internet showing the elves celebrating their special moment with modestly high-eights (elves being short and having four fingers on each hand).

To celebrate the success of Mueller’s team of cyber-elves, Democrats waiting to take control of the House of Representatives in January began caroling in the Rotunda singing:

You better not obstruct,

You better not lie.

You better not collude,

I’m telling you why.

Bobby Mueller’s going to town.

He’s made up a list,

He’s checking it twice.

You never know who he’s

Gonna indict.

Bobby Mueller’s going to town.

The meeting in Trump Tower,

Emails from Hillary,

The answers to who knew what when

May reshape our history.

So, you better not obstruct,

You better not lie.

You better not collude,

I’m telling you why.

Bobby Mueller’s going to town.

Still, all is not happy at the Democratic Party headquarters, where so many presidential candidates have showed up that FEMA has been called in to provide emergency housing. Residents have named the temporary village Whoville because there are so many people no one knows who’s who.

Events in Whoville inspired this carol, sung to the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

They have Beto and Booker and Bloomberg and Biden; Sanders and Klobuchar, and some still in hidin’ …. but out of them all, is one who can really answer the call?

One year from 2020,

Election time is drawing near.

And those in the donkey party,

Need to get their tails in gear.

All of the current hopefuls,

Laugh and call The Donald names,

But can they really beat him,

If he’s not impeached by then?

When we reach election eve

Who can win the day?

Does Sherrod really have the stuff,

Or might it be someone else?

When all the votes are counted,

Who will be the president?

Twenty-three months away now

It isn’t faintly evident.

At a time when everyone seems focused on events in Washington, seniors — among them, me — gathered around Santa’s Beltway and made it clear that, in our times, implants to replace our two front teeth are not enough to make a merry Christmas.

Jolly old St. Nicholas,

Lean your ear this way.

I’ll turn down the volume

On my ringing hearing aid.

Christmas Eve is coming soon,

And, the truth be told.

My friends and I need fixing up,

Because we’re getting old.

Marky wants a brand-new hip,

Tommy needs a skull.

Margaret’s plantar fasc-i-it-is

Has her feeling low.

Dougie’s shoulder surgery

Requires some more PT.

Sweet Noel will soon need

To replace her knobby knees.

Due to the chill that’s been in the air since the Trumps and Obamas shook hands at the State Funeral of George H.W. Bush, I’ll wrap up this year’s edition of the annual Christmas Carol Column with the first verse of a tune to warm us all. I invite you all to compose additional verses while baking holiday cookies.

It’s dedicated to the #MeToo movement.

Matt Lauer roasting on an open fire.

Kevin Spacey in places undisclosed.

Al Franken out in the gopher state cold

And Charlie Rose putting on his clothes,

Everybody knows …….

Happy holidays to all!!!!

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