Bad news on the doorstep,
A massive pile of my debt.
I can’t remember if I cried,
When the total came,
But I realize …
That panic seized me deep inside
The day my credit … died.
Welcome to the annual Christmas carol column and this year’s cup of festered cheer.
While you warm up your voices, I’ll bring you up to date on the latest holiday news.
Real estate magnate Donald Trump has agreed to contribute $1 million to the charity of Jesus’ choice if the Savior produces his birth certificate before Christmas Eve.
“Look, I’m not saying he’s not the King of Kings,” Trump said. “And I hope in my heart that he is. I just want to clear up any controversy about it, for his sake and everyone else’s.”
Trump reaffirmed his offer after answering criticisms about his speculation the Christ child might be an undocumented shortstop named Jesus from San Pedro de Macoris, Dominican Republic.
Santa Claus, meanwhile, was defending himself against secretly filmed remarks that he no longer cares about children who remain in perpetually foul moods regardless of what they get at Christmas.
“This is becoming a dependency culture,” he said. “I’d like to have my own front teeth ,too,” said the elderly elf, who is rumored to have lost the teeth to gingivitis. “But this world has serious financial problems.”
In other related news:
• Fiscal Cliff, son of raggae singer Jimmy Cliff, announced the release of his latest album, “Rage Against the Sequestration.”
• With its status now legal, a Boulder, Colo., marijuana growing operation announced a partnership that will save financially troubled Hostess and incorporate the snacks into its new Weed & Feed Club.
• Five-Hour Energy Drink is partnering with the non-profit Society to Combat Hypotension for the special release of “Josh vs. Sherrod,” the best commercials of the 2012 Ohio Senatorial Campaign. Producers guarantee the Blu-Ray products will raise anyone’s blood pressure.
• The Cincinnati Bengals have announced super-discounting of a new discovered cache of Ochocinco uniforms discovered recently in the Columbus basement of Maurice Clarett.
Now on to this year’s Christmas Carols, the first one to the tune “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”
You’d better not gouge
Better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is now using drones.
He’s at the controls
Doubling his flights
Confirming just who’s been
Naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is now using drones.
The kids who swear and curse now
Who bully and who tease
They’ll all get stiffed by Santa
When they wake from Christmas Eve, Oh ….
Here’s a carol that reflects how modern devices like smartphones have changed to the tune of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”
I’m online this Christmas.
Please don’t bother me.
Though I’m sitting next to you,
You’re miles away from me.
I’m online this Christmas,
Please don’t grouse or balk.
Text, or tweet or message me,
Just don’t try to talk.
This year taught us that in addition to “soft power” and “hard power,” international relations will have to deal with a new force called “Kardashian power. It’s the power of gossip to determine the choice of the world’s top military leaders. Sing this to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
Our top generals email socialites,
even when the gen-er-als have wives.
And we all know if they tweet.
There’s the chance that they may meet.
And set off frenzied news reports
about the Top Brass guys.
Our top generals email socialites,
sending their careers straight to hell.
Maybe our security
would improve if we’d see
A new version of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
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