“There is nothing wrong with a man owning a pair of sweatpants,” the news magazine pronounced in its latest edition, “but there is something very wrong with a man wearing them in public. Which is what several fashion labels are advocating this fall.”
Not just “tasteless.” Not merely “tacky.” But wrong.
“But where does this all lead?” the article’s author demanded.
“If it’s considered fashion forward to wear sweatpants in public, how soon until we start wearing them to the office? To weddings? And what, exactly, do you change into when you get home if you’ve ... spent the day in sweatpants?”
The article was on the bottom of page 13 in the news magazine and I might have skipped over it if a familiar name hadn’t popped out at me.
As an example of the forces behind this “affront to acceptable pants-wearing,” the article cited Dayton-native Scott Sternberg. His Los Angeles-based company, Band of Outsiders, has become a very hot item in the world of apparel for the very cool.
And among the designer’s coolest, according to a fashion magazine that is way too cool to have the likes of me as a regular reader, is a pair of men’s sweatpants cut from French Terry-lined Shetland wool and tailored like a pair of chinos. They have reinforced knees, a two-inch cuff and a watch pocket.
I have no idea why these sweatpants need a watch pocket and I’m sure I never will have the opportunity to sweat in them, because the price tag is $405.
But ignore, if you can, the absurdity of $405 sweatpants — hey, there are people who buy $10,000 watches, $60,000 cars and $100 tickets to attend NFL games that are worth, at most, $3.99. Because there are more profound issues here:
Where does anyone to whom I’m not married get off telling me when and where I can wear my sweatpants? And where does this all lead?
If we take measures to prevent men from wearing their sweatpants in public (a two-thirds vote of the Senate would be required for passage), where will it end? Will it lead to men in caps and T-shirts being banned from upscale restaurants? Lacrosse teams in flip-flops no longer admitted to the White House? Bermuda shorts being frowned upon at funerals?
And if men can’t wear sweatpants in public, does that mean his fashion pendulum eventually will swing so far the other way that guys going to baseball games will have to dress like their grandfathers in suits, ties and fedoras?
In a nation founded by men wearing knee-length breeches, ruffled shirts and powdered wigs, guys wearing sweatpants in public is an issue that deeply affects us all.
I can see Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck coming to blows over this one.
Contact D.L. Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.
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