Come climb into the cozy, paisley time machine with me.
The year is 2004.
Nixon is out of the White House.
The nation is fascinated with a little song called “Yeah!” by Usher, Lil Jon and Ludacris, and pigs have learned to fly.
Star, the no-nonsense, law-talking co-host of the ABC’s “The View,” plunges her gastrically bypassed feet too deeply into the freebie pool before her sham marriage to Al Reynolds.
The natural luminous body visible in the night’s sky catches all sorts of heat as all sorts of free merchandise is attached to her right foot.
Star is unstoppable, mentioning the free invitations, tuxedos and bridesmaids’ gowns on her show.
“This whatever is awesome and so are Payless shoes,” says Star, who will soon compete on “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Pop back to the present with the realization that only a fool would be as greedy as the conventional figure with five or more points.
This criticism doesn’t mean Star’s vision of a future full of free stuff was all bad.
Why? This getting married stuff ain’t cheap.
Wedding guests like chairs and apparently making a wedding BYOCI (bring your own cake icing) is seen as trashy in some circles.
This is why I am dreaming of a white Christmas and bags and bags of meat under the tree.
Dearest Mrs. and Mr. Silvia Steak Baron,
Help a sista out.
Send me 200 or so of your mostly OK prime cuts of cow.
In return, I will talk about your famous red meat here and there and all of the live long day.
People like steak even though steak, no matter what you read in a Douglas Adams book, would rather not be eaten.
That said, what animal, big or small, cow or human, doesn’t like free?
Free tastes good smothered and covered or simply on a bun.
If only I didn’t have ethics or integrity hanging around my neck like a pork rind.
Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2384 or arobinson@Dayton DailyNews.com.
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