D.L. Stewart: Taking one last kick at the World Cup

Now that the soccer season is over for another four years, let’s review what we’ve learned about the beautiful game during this World Cup. Or, rather, what we learned four years ago, but forgot since then.

  • Although they are highly-trained athletes, soccer players fall down a lot. This may be because they have inner-ear problems that affect their balance. Or maybe they’re just tired. Whatever the reason, the best NBA players would finish dead last against an average soccer player when it comes to flopping.
  • If you’re going to watch soccer at your favorite tavern, make sure you go to the bathroom before the game starts. In real American sporting events, action is halted every few minutes so sponsors can sell more beer, but soccer play is continuous. If you get off your bar stool and head to the head while the game is going on, there’s a 93 percent chance you will miss the only goal of the game.
  • Despite all the media coverage, the average American sports fan still would be unable to identify the team’s striker.
  • Despite all the media coverage, the average American sports fan does not know what a striker does.
  • Despite all the media coverage, the average American sports fan does not care what a striker does.
  • Time keeping in soccer is really weird. Unlike other time-sensitive sports in which the time remaining in a game can be measured in tenths of seconds, soccer time is the sole province of the referee. Apparently he can end the game whenever he sees fit after 90 minutes or allow it to continue until next month, depending upon how soon his wife expects him to be home for dinner.
  • The most important lesson we have learned from this year’s World Cup, though, is that due to the excitement caused by the U.S. team’s explosive offense, which averaged 1.66666667 goals per game, soccer is on the cusp of becoming a major sport in this country .

Just as it was four years ago.

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