But there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to stand up for his inalienable rights. And when I read a recent wire story telling me how I was supposed to eat my hamburgers, I knew it was time to rebel.
According to the writer, I must “Never settle for inferior, squishy, cellophane-wrapped ho-hum buns” for my burger. I should only eat it on a crunchy kaiser, English muffin, baquette, focaccia or other foreign bun.
I found that tough to swallow.
It’s not that I am opposed to hard buns, especially at the gym. But, wrapped around my sandwiches, I love inferior, squishy, cellophane-wrapped, ho-hum buns. The squishier the better. When I bring them home from the store, I wait until the burger is completely cooked before I remove my ho-hum buns from the cellophane wrapper that keeps them soft and squishy.
So what gives some writer I never met the authority to tell me I could never have one again and I should only eat my burger on buns so hard they make loud crunching noises inside your head when you bite into them? It's my belief that eating crunchy buns may be the second-leading cause of hearing loss today, trailing only Metallica.
But the hard bun story probably wouldn’t have lit my fireworks if it hadn’t appeared just a few days after another article in this newspaper telling me what kind of shorts I could wear.
According to this story, men should wear plaid, khaki or seersucker shorts but not jeans shorts, which, the writer decreed, “are just plain wrong.” The author, whom I also never have met, even quoted a fashion expert who declared that wearing jeans shorts was “like disrespecting the flag.” So not only is wearing jeans shorts “wrong,” it is unpatriotic. Which immediately made me see red, white and blue, because I consider myself a loyal American, in or out of my jeans shorts.
More importantly, though, it again raised the question of who has the right to dictate what you and I wear. Where is it written in the Constitution that white can’t be worn after Labor Day, black socks can’t go with Bermudas and that seersucker is in? You can read the entire Declaration of Independence and never see the word “seersucker.”
So I will continue to wear jeans shorts and eat squishy buns.
And if this be treason, I’ll make the most of it.
About the Author
