Amelia Robinson writes the Smart Mouth column that appears in Saturday's Dayton Daily News
Future mommies of America: say “no” to that next glass of Merlot and pass on that pina colada.
Those health-conscious nerds over at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention want to put a cork in your party even before there is anything popping in your belly.
CDC’s scientists says women of childbearing age should not drinking any alcohol unless they’re using contraception.
The agency estimates 3.3 million women in the U.S. are at risk of exposing their developing babies to alcohol.
Obviously pregnant women should not drink. Fetal alcohol syndrome is no laughing matter.
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That said, a woman has a lot of living to do until she gets all pregnant and frankly, a cocktail or two sometimes puts a gal in the mood to do the things it takes to get pregnant in the first place.
At least 3.3 million of us wouldn’t be here today if papa didn’t get mama all liquored or vice versa.
In this case and many others, the CDC rationale seems to be if there is even a slight risk of something happening, you should not do that thing that could possibly cause that other thing to happen at all.
With that in mind, women of childbearing age should avoid doing the following for her own good, because something bad might happen.
1) Get anywhere near a treadmill
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They are dangerous, as is any form of exercise.
At least 24,400 people were sent to the emergency room in 2014 due to these harmful torture devices, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission.
2) Swim in public pools
You might get the diarrhea. No one likes that.
In the past two decades there has been a drastic increase in the number of recreational water illness.
The reports illness due to cryptosporidium along grew by more than 200 percent between 2004 and 2008.
3) Wave your hands in the air
An eagle might land on your arm and think your hand is a mouse.
4) Cook anything for anyone
Is that homemade pork chop really worth it?
Cooking is a factor in nearly half of all house fires, according to the National Fire Protection Association.
One in six of those fires is fatal. Frying food is the worst offender, so stay away from that FryDaddy at all costs.
5) Snorkel where sharks might be lurking
In 2010, snorkelers and divers accounted for 8 percent of all shark attacks, according to National Geographic. Enough said.
6) Go to Las Vegas
We've all seen "Leaving Las Vegas" by now.
7) Taking care of your stuff
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Being a Suzy Homemaker is for rebels.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’s American Time Use Survey, “on an average day, 83 percent of women and 65 percent of men spent some time doing household activities such as housework, cooking, lawn care, or financial and other household management.”
A lot of bad stuff happens at home.
8) Touch railings
Staphylococcus.
9) Wear contacts
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Corneal ulcers are not as sexy as the name might suggest. The Food and Drug Administration says you can also get a serious eye infection.
10) Dance with boys
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You might fall and somehow hurt your tubes or snap your hip, according to logic.
11) Drive in a car
This proof from the Insurance Institute of Highway Safety: “Crashes involving male drivers often are more severe than those involving female drivers. However, females are more likely than males to be killed or injured in crashes of equal severity, although gender differences in fatality risk diminish with age.”
12) Bounce around
A Consumer Product Safety Commission study says 5,697 people age 15 and older went to the emergency room after bouncing in bounce castles and other “moon” bounces.
Chances are that about half of those people were women of childbearing age. Don’t be a statistic.
13) Monkey around with electricity
Females definitely shouldn’t fuss with electrical contraptions. Far more men die, 314 between 2002 and 2009, but females should watch out too. The Consumer Product Safety Commission says 44 females were electrocuted by consumer products in the same time frame.
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