“If a couple shares inside jokes, finds the humor in things, and is able to laugh about anything — they can go the distance,” Alyce believes. Her husband, Frank, adds his two cents: “Be flexible. Sometimes a simple change for you might be huge to your partner.”
The Weikels are among those who offered Valentine’s Day suggestions for keeping the flame of love burning.
When we spoke to William Vayo of Miamisburg, he said that very minute he was sitting on the secret to marital success.
“It’s a love seat,” he quipped, “and if we have any problems, we sit right here.”
William proposed to his wife, Nora, after spending just an hour with her. The two celebrated their sixtieth anniversary in December.
“We don’t argue or slap each other around,” says the 85-year-old. “Marriage is not made for beating up on somebody. It’s about loving.”
Mira Kirshenbaum, author of the new book “I Love You But I Don’t Trust You,” encourages couples to follow the well-established principle that feelings follow actions.
“If you do loving things when you’re in each other’s presence, and avoid doing cold or angry things, love will stay alive,” insists Kirshenbaum, who is based in Boston. “Those loving things are nothing dramatic.”
Some examples? She suggests you say something affectionate to your mate at a random moment. Or ask a partner how he or she is doing, then really listen to the answer.
“Think about what the other person might want and give that,” Kirshenbaum says. Offer a gentle touch, a long kiss, a compliment or just lie in each other’s arms.
“If you want a pipeline to things that make each other feel loved, ask!” says Kirshenbaum, who suggests each of you could write down seven things that make you feel loved.
“To keep love alive, you have to avoid making ugly messes as much as possible,” she adds. “They take a long time to clean up and leave a lot of hard-to-heal damage. Don’t do things you know would make the other person upset.”
Justine Nettleton of Beavercreek says it was only after years of hostility and fighting that she realized — with God’s help — that she needed to accept and love her husband just the way he was.
“It didn’t change the circumstances, just the way I began to think of my husband,” she says. “Today, we’ve been married 26 years, and I love my husband more deeply than ever. He has also made great changes, too.”
Nettleton advises couples to forgive immediately and to apologize often.
“Does it really matter if you are right?” she asks.
She also advocates a good night’s sleep and getting excited when your spouse walks in the door.
“You may both be tired but enjoy the fact that you are now in your home, safe and sound.”
Kirshenbaum says its a lack of daily maintenance that destroys love.
“Don’t let small problems turn into big problems, address them when they’re small,” she says. “The bigger the problem grows, the more likely it is to become a relationship killer.”
Couples, she says, often need professional help much earlier than they think they do.
“They wait until there’s damage, which is like waiting until a tumor is so big you can see it before you go to a cancer doctor,” she says. “The sign that you need help isn’t damage or pain. It’s intractability. You need to get professional help if you have an issue that’s important to you — even if it only bothers one of you — and you just can’t make headway. It’s stuckness, not disaster, that’s the go-get-help sign.”
Monsita Corbett and her husband met in Bermuda and married while on active duty. They’ve been married 23 years.
“Shortly after our wedding, an older friend gave me the best advice anyone could have given me,” she says. “Marriage is like a rope game. You have one end, your spouse has the other. To stay in the game, the rope has to be taut, but it can’t snap. That means that when your spouse pulls, you have to give, and vice versa.”
Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2440 or mmoss@DaytonDailyNews.com.
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