‘I am accepting applications for the following positions …’

Once again, my fellow Americans opted not to elect me president of these United States.

Sadly, I won’t be the shiny disco ball in the center of this year’s inaugural ball.

This truth could not possibly be my fault.

I blame my staff or, in this case, my lack of staff.

I simply don’t have enough minions. Heck, I don’t have any minion.

Hopefully this will be remedied soon.

I am accepting applications for the following positions in anticipation of the 2016 presidential election and world domination:

Head theme song writer

Requirements or/and Abilities: Intimate knowledge of the movie “Shaft.” Proficiency on the bongos. Must own a car, Casio keyboard and toaster oven.

Regional director of sorcery and/or witchcraft (four positions)

Requirements or/and Abilities: Crystal ball, frogs, pointy hat, halter top, permanent scowl. Floatation and teleportation.

Secretary of Sew

Requirements or/and Abilities: Experience in leather jumpsuits. Bedazzling expertise. Ability to kneel, crawl and draw both large and small circles.

Thug/hench person (nine positions)

Requirements or/and Abilities: Hitting, punching, general thugging around skills. Qualified applicants must type 94 words per minute or more.


Requirements or/and Abilities: Ability to manage disobedient work crews.

Director of Consumable Fluids

Requirements or/and Abilities: BA in English or better, certificate from the Kool-Aid College of Mixology.

Chief Photographer

Requirements or/and Abilities: Photoshopping.

Decoy General

Requirements or/and Abilities: Big hats, large sunglasses, ability to look and sound like a squirrel. Shape shifting.

Wealthy Donor (1 million + positions)

Requirements or Abilities: Unending expendable wealth, gullibility, check writing hand, extra limousine

Vice President

Requirements or/and Abilities: Good teeth, hair and nails. Track suit a plus.

Trade Representive

Requirements or/and Abilities: Must own a set of Pokemon cards.

Here’s what to do next: All applicants should submit blank check(s), resume, video diary, references, winning lottery tickets and social security numbers to me by 1 a.m. today. No phone calls, please.

What do you think? What would you ask of a minion?

Last week Amelia said criticized that ad campaign for Maybelline’s baby lips. Here’s is what you said:

Jeannette Perchan —“I applaud you for your article re: Maybelline’s “baby lips” lip balm promotion. I completely agree with you about the ad making the unspoken statement that women should aspire to look like babies or young girls. What a mixed, twisted message this sends about having sexy lips and having them look like a baby’s! There should be a boycott of Maybelline products until they pull this ad! When Calvin Kline’s ads came out with the anorexic-looking girls, I decided not to buy anything associated with him; I will do the same with Maybelline.”

Pam Ribic — “enjoyed your comments this morning about baby lips et al. Hoping you will please tackle another advertising trend on TV. I would love for you to research the toilet paper advertising that is rampant on all three major networks. Start with the “Enjoy the go.” Charmin’s tagline is “we all have to go, why not enjoy the go?” Really?? Should we give such attention to an everyday and necessary and normal body function?

And the bears!! taking reading material into the bathroom!! I have a problem with animating animals for ads anyway, but that is another story!

There is also an ad (think is is Charmin as well) where two families are chatting over the island in the kitchen, discussing toilet paper and then one of the women starts promoting cleansing wipes—do couples really have these type of conversations in the kitchen??

Another ad, not sure of the brand highlights women discussing being clean after going to the bathroom. I do not want to hear their testimonials.

The last straw was an item highlighted at the Las Vegas 2013 International Consumer Electronics Show— An iPad adapter to attach to a toddler potty so the little one can play with the iPad while going to the bathroom.”

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