Help bless the library
Buy thy holy potato chip on eBay and we’ll give the proceeds to the Clark County Public Library.
Go to eBay.com and search for item No. 230429477796.
My wife can’t stand the way I eat chips.
But to be fair, whenever I’m eating chips — which, truthfully, is far too often — I have trouble even hearing the TV.
It’s not like I’m smacking my lips or anything. I guess I just come from a family with incredibly forceful mandibles.
I came to that conclusion when I recently sat near my mom while she was eating a bowl of chips herself.
And?
Sounded like someone walking across broken glass with heavy boots.
So why do I bring this up now?
Well, I’m not what you’d call a spiritual person, but some of the spiritual people in my life are always supposedly hearing God talk to them.
Personally, I’ve come to question the existence of a supernatural creator — not once have I heard God utter a peep.
Of course, it’s entirely possible ol’ Yahweh has been trying to speak to me for years — but I’m always eating Doritos.
So when Springfield resident Beau White e-mailed me a few weeks ago, it was my burning bush moment.
She informed me that she’d been holding onto a 2-year-old Lays potato chip with what appears to be an image of a cross miraculously hollowed in the center.
I was intrigued.
I asked if I could come see the chip for a story.
She said no.
She wanted me to have the chip.
“When God wants to talk to people,” White explained, “he’ll use any means possible to convey a message.
“I felt directed to give it to you.”
Gulp.
Last week, the chip arrived to the newsroom, placed in a plastic container atop a few of those little packets you’d find in a bag of beef jerky to collect moisture.
For being a 2-year-old chip, it looks like it just came out of the bag.
“Makes you wonder about the preservatives,” remarked Doug White, Beau’s husband.
Indeed.
I used to think I’d die a young man because of all those chips — now I’m confident my innards are just well-preserved.
Add a few decades worth of yellow No. 5 and I’m like a fetal pig in a jar of formaldehyde.
And now I’m the proud owner of a weird, 2-year-old potato chip.
Believe me — I really want to see what a 2-year-old chip tastes like.
Get thee behind me Satan!
If I can resist the temptation, it’s our hope that the chip will benefit the greater good.
You see, when God speaks to you via foodstuffs, it’s your obligation to profit from it — the chip is now on eBay to benefit the cash-strapped Clark County Public Library.
With a few days left in the auction, you can find it via its item number: 230429477796
It’s becoming a crowded marketplace.
In recent days, there was a potato chip — quite possibly a Ruffle — on eBay with “the silhouette of our holy mother Mary” in the center of it.
It was found at a church picnic.
“It was just there,” the seller wrote, “when it wasn’t before.”
Or there was some dude’s white T-shirt with what he claimed was the face of Jesus Christ in the belly area.
The opening bid was 99 cents.
“The image spontaneously appeared on the shirt,” the seller wrote. “It will not wash off. Miracle????”
Um.
It looked like the Shroud of Turin — if only the Shroud of Turin had been caused by a sweat stain.
Anymore, it would seem, Jesus and Mary are everywhere, in everything.
Who can forget the grilled cheese sandwich with Mary’s image on it (right near the nibbled part) that an online casino bought for $28,000 back in 2004?
In 2005, that same casino — Goldenpalace.com — dropped $10,600 for a pretzel shaped like Mary holding baby Jesus.
And now we have our very own chip with the cross on it.
“Some of the stuff is suspicious,” Doug White confessed. “But a chip like that ... I’ve never heard of one. Period. Not a potato chip.”
Even better, it was found by the Whites in 2008 right around — steel thyself — Easter.
“That was actually the last good chip in the bag,” Beau White said. “It was one of those little moments. I just felt compelled to keep it.”
The Whites, who are spiritual themselves, have a good sense of humor about the whole thing.
“My wife and I have been potato chip connoisseurs for 50-plus years,” Doug said, “but never have we found anything like that before.”
But for Beau White, who lives with a chronic pain condition, she takes comfort in knowing she’s not alone in her agony.
“I take reminders,” she said, “wherever I can get them.”
Contact this reporter at (937) 328-0352 or amcginn@coxohio.com.
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