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By Tom Stafford, Staff Writer 9:23 PM Saturday, October 31, 2009

My eyelids tend to set with the sun anyway.

And with the darkness coming so early these fall evenings, as soon as I assume the feet-up position in the easy chair, I start to drift in and out of consciousness.

That happened the other night with the television on, resulting in a rather strange and jumbled dream that mixed on odd series of commercials in my head.

It went something like this:

Having trouble with a weak stream or controlling your asthma?

Is an older loved one suffering from symptoms of dementia or COPD?

Are you already taking depression medication but still don’t feel right?

Do you have rheumatoid arthritis or find yourself unable to control your cholesterol with a single medication?

If any of these things is true — or if you’re just itching to use up your deductible — it may be time to ask your doctor about Udemann.

In double-blind clinical trials, Udemann helped people who believe their doctors are less informed than they are feel an increased sense of empowerment and well-being.

This was true even among a control group of individuals unable to solve any of the puzzles in a full week’s run of Wheel of Fortune.

Like most prescription medicines, Udemann is not for everyone. If you are pregnant or may become pregnant, avoid any contact with Udemann or with people who may cause you to become pregnant — particularly anyone experiencing an erection lasting more than four hours.

But if you have a family history of being unduly influenced by commercials and advertisements, Udemann may be right for you. (See our add in Miniature Golf Digest.)

If you take alpha or beta blockers, inform your doctor before taking Udemann, as it could lead to a sudden drop in blood pressure, blurred vision, sexual dysfunction and the appearance of leprosy-like patches on your body.

People considering cataract surgery should inform their doctors that they are taking Udemann, as it could cause a surgical blade to become permanently lodged in the eye or, in the case of laser treatment, lead to increased risk of death by fire.

Other rare, but serious side effects include a tendency for middle age men to run in and out of the bathroom before a group laugh about tipping over their kayaks and canoes on placid waterways.

For the first two weeks you take Udemann, avoid operating heavy machinery or using automatic weapons with metal-piercing bullets. It will be safe to resume these activities after your neighbors relocate.

If your limbs begin to drop off your body while taking Udemann, inform your doctor immediately as it could be a sign of a rare, but dangerous side effect.

For more information about Udemann and its appropriate uses, order a copy of our prospectus or ask your doctor.

And remember, you can take charge with Udemann.

Contact this reporter at (937) 328-0368 or tstafford@coxohio.com.

Tom STAFFORD

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