“Why did God kill my dad?” asked 11-year-old Mason.

“Your dad died of lung cancer,” I responded. “He smoked cigarettes for many years, and the tobacco in cigarettes can cause serious health problems.”

My response, although factually accurate, was a dumb thing to say. I try to be extremely careful in talking with kids about such sensitive topics, but I immediately knew I made a mistake.

Mason had gone to Catholic schools his entire life, and his family was very religious. I knew what was coming next.

“Since God created the world and everything in it, why did he create a cancer that killed good people like my dad?”

After 12 years of Catholic education, I felt reasonably confident I could discuss theology with an 11-year old. I could have reminded Mason of the fact that none of us know God’s plan for the world.

Faith requires that we trust that an all-knowing being has a plan for us that may not always appear fair or be understandable.

This is one of those times when Mason had to place his faith in God above his own angry and sad feelings.

I could also have reminded Mason that his dad made some very bad choices. He developed a habit that put his health at serious risk.

He placed his desire to continue smoking above the importance of staying healthy for his wife and three children.

People are born with free will. Mason’s dad, despite frequent encouragement from family members including Mason, never made any effort to stop smoking.

Don’t blame God for his dad’s own bad choices that ultimately resulted in his death.

I decided to avoid discussing with Mason any religious explanations of his dad’s death. I generally try to keep God out of my office, deferring such issues to a child’s family or pastor. I do this out of respect for the family’s religion.

I’ve learned that spiritual values are extremely important to parents and kids.

I didn’t know his mom’s religious perspective on these questions, and I didn’t want to say anything to undermine her values.

Talking with kids about the death of family or friends is tough. Here are the points I try to emphasize.

Respect your own feelings. The death of a parent typically results in intense feelings of anger, sadness, guilt and confusion. These reactions are normal and expected.

Reach out to other people. There are many people in your life who really love you and want to help you. Talk to them. Tell them what you need, even if it is just being around them without having to talk about your dad.

Some questions don’t have answers. I don’t know why your dad died, whether he is in heaven, or if anyone is to blame for his death.

Mason, like the rest of us, had to learn to accept life’s uncertainties.

Live. The best way that Mason could honor his dad would be to live a happy, ethical and productive life.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.