Americans have spent an estimated 500 billion dollars on gadgets like Webkinz, iPhones, XBOX Kinect and Zhu Zhu pet hamsters this past holiday season.

These high-tech items may be what your kids say they wanted, but they are certainly not what they needed. Here’s my list of what really matters to children.

1. You. I hear the same story every day in my office, whether I’m speaking with a toddler or a teen. Children want more time and attention from their parents.

Children generally enjoy being around you. They want to be greeted by a parent when they come home from school, go to you when they have questions about homework, and hang around and do things with you after dinner. They want you to listen, laugh and communicate that they are loved.

Teens still need your attention and guidance, but delivered in a way that respects their maturity and growing independence.

2. Friends. Kids are about as lonely as everyone else, and feel disconnected from their peers. They are often under the illusion that friendships are obtained by clicking a button on Facebook, rather than the result of caring and compromise. They go to extraordinary means to pretend they are something they are not to achieve a superficial popularity built upon a false foundation.

3. Attractive appearance. Even young kids know that physical appearances matter. I’ve heard this much more often in my office over the past several years, as kids seem extremely sensitive to being overweight or different in any way. I’m particularly disturbed by the number of African-American children who still wish they had lighter skin.

It is ironic that as the prevalence of childhood obesity has increased, so has kids’ anxiety and distress about being overweight. Kids feel terrible about being fat, but helpless about what to do about it.

This is a tough issue to deal with in therapy. It’s disingenuous to tell kids that “it’s what is on the inside that really matters,” because we know that’s not really true. We are all constantly judged, often unfairly, by the way we look. I try to help kids focus on their behavior and accomplishments, and appreciate that great things have been done by people who don’t always fit the cultural norms of attractiveness. I don’t think I’ve been very successful in those efforts.

4. A harmonious family. Some parents cause their children incredible emotional and psychological harm by incessant arguing, alcohol abuse, spousal infidelity and tumultuous divorces.

These children may say little to you, but end up crying in my office as they recount conversations they’ve overheard in their families. Such parents try to maintain a conspiracy of silence, falsely thinking that not talking about such things with their kids will make issues go away. It doesn’t work. It just leaves your children isolated and fearful about themselves and about you. The effects of this childhood turmoil will resonate long into adulthood.

I’m sure your kids didn’t put these items on their Christmas lists, but they are what your children really need and want from you.

Next week: Notes and quotes from 2010.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on Facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.