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Helping children deal with the loss of a loved one

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By Jill Kelley, Staff Writer Updated 9:24 PM Friday, October 16, 2009

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This article is part of our month-long focus on breast cancer. To learn more or find ways to help, go to our Pink Edition Page.

TROY — Breast cancer, like many diseases, does not just affect the person diagnosed. The discovery, treatment and ramifications of the disease can have a profound effect on that person’s loved ones as well.

Pam Linderson is the bereavement coordinator at Generations of Life Community Bereavement Resource Center, which is a service of Hospice of Miami County.

“Our work is not limited to breast cancer, but we most certainly can help children affected by the disease,” she said. “Children are often the forgotten grievers in our society.”

Linderson’s background is in ministry and she is certified in thanatology, which is the study of death, dying and bereavement.

“When a parent or grandparent dies, parents are so affected that they often are not as able to help their children,” she said. “And some people think that small children do not grieve — which is not true.”

Linderson said the Generations of Life center is modeled after the Dougy Center in Oregon, which has the theory that children will utilize play to express their grief.

“It’s more about peer support than direct education. Teens especially will find greater support from a peer group than from adults,” she said.

“(Kids) don’t know what the normal processes of grief are, and they can get the sense that they are going crazy. Teaching them the processes helps the individual and their peers know this is normal, and gives them an opportunity to talk.”

Linderson, who worked as a chaplain for nine years, said her work is more as minister than counselor. She said if the center determines that a child’s needs are greater than the scope of its care, that they will refer that child to a counselor.

She added that grieving causes our lives to get off-balance.

“Life is like the pendulum of a big grandfather clock, and when it is swinging (in time), that’s where we want to be,” she said. “When that gets knocked out of balance (due to a death or otherwise), it takes a lot of energy to get it back into balance.”

Linderson said that too often our society thinks you have to get through or get over a loss, but she said the best way to cope is to learn to live as a grieving person.

“We have to take the gift of (our loved one’s) life and carry it forward with us. We have to find ways to commemorate our loved ones.”

Linderson said the hardest part of her job is seeing children in pain.

“(But) if I stopped getting sad with them, then I will have worn out my usefulness in this job. They need someone to companion with them.”

Linderson said another reason she was drawn to this job was because she had also experienced great loss.

“One of my children died when he was 21, while one of my other children was a teenager,” she said.

“I went into the ministry when my son was sick, and I already knew my passion was with the bereaved. But still, when he died, I found myself having to deal with this. So I come to this from that perspective.”

Linderson added that, especially with children, she never wants to turn the process toward her.

“But there is really something to be said when you can equalize the playing field, and they know that you get it. That’s why support groups work.”

Linderson added that even though people can share grief, everyone’s experience is different.

“We all have our own birth stories, and we all have our own death stories.”

Linderson said there also are very positive aspects to her work.

“The coolest thing is when you watch people change,” she said. “When they come back over a period of weeks and they are regaining that feeling of comfort; when they can navigate and they have gained the tools to cope.”

And she added: “I’m very proud of the work we do.”

For more information about Generations of Life, call (937) 335-5191.