News Summary

Therapist: How have your moods been this week, Robert?

Client: Steady as the Dow.

Therapist: I think we might want to consider increasing your dosage.

In recent weeks, the New York Stock Exchange seems to have replaced the Grateful Dead as the largest mood-altering institution on earth.

When I think of how much things have changed so quickly, my head gets as sore as the shoulders of folks who post the prices at gas stations.

Before the financial crisis, for instance, I associated Fannie Mae with an attractive young woman in an abstinence education video who wasn't as assertive as the instructor thought she might have been.

And although I knew of some relationship between Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, I thought it involved the two of them being Mortgage Giant action figures that retailed together — batteries not included; vacation house sold separately (on an adjustable rate mortgage, of course).

The name Ben Bernanke didn't mean anything special to me back then. As far as I knew, he could have been:

• A Chrysler-Jeep-Subaru dealer in Elhart, Ind.

• The inventor of an Olympic figure skating move — the double Bernanke with a two-and-a-half twist.

• A utility infielder for the Seattle Mariners who had just 29 at bats in the 2008 season.

For Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen, something more specific came to mind.

I put a "The" in front of his name, because it strikes me that The Henry Paulsen might be a menu item memorializing one of the New England fishermen lost in the perfect storm: A bottomless bowl of New England clam chowder with steaming biscuits.

Before derivatives (B.D.), I also could have been talked into believing the Nikkei Index was associated not with the Japanese stock exchange but rather a formula for predicting populations of Japanese beetles based on GPS reading, temperature, humidity and an area's frost-free date.

And as for credit swaps? The name seemed to suggest a generic brand of antiseptic wipes favored by budget- and germ-conscious mothers.

In this climate of uncertainty one thing seems certain.

Congress will be enjoined from using the term Super Regulator ever again. Long before they get around to creating one, the term will be trademarked by an over-the-counter digestive aid.

Finally, my confession.

About six months before the first signs of financial trouble began to emerge, I plunked down a few bucks for a subscription to The Economist magazine. I figured I could stand to spend some time getting a better grasp on things economic.

But as things became less clear, the "econo" part of its name became to seem less important than the "mist."

With such uncertainty as to what awaits us, all the experts peering into the fog seem to be abstaining from making predictions.

But who knows, Fannie Mae.

Contact this reporter at (937) 328-0368 or tstafford@coxohio.com.