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McGinn: I’ve returned to the warm arms of Time Warner

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By Andrew McGinn, Staff Writer 5:14 PM Friday, October 16, 2009

For the past few years, I’ve been on a sort of extended, bizarro rumspringa — that period in an Amish kid’s life when he can go off, smoke cigarettes and listen to Ozzy before he rejoins the community.

You see, I had cable TV, then canceled it.

And I’m not gonna lie.

For the past several years, I didn’t watch much TV. My wife didn’t, either.

Coincidentally, we had a baby during this period.

People would talk about shows they were watching, and I’d have no clue what they were talking about. Apparently out of pity, someone would always apologize for me.

“He doesn’t have cable.”

They might as well have been saying, “He renders his own sausage.”

I missed multiple MTV awards shows. Missed I-don’t-know-how-many Kanye West tantrums. Never saw “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” but presumably even the Amish now wish the Gosselins would just go away.

When folks would talk about “The Daily Show,” about the only thing I could offer was, “Hey, you guys remember when Craig Kilborn was the host?!”

Then last weekend, after flipping between golf and those nuns on EWTN, I decided I’d had enough.

We were returning to the community.

As of this writing, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since we were upgraded from “basic service” — like paying for oxygen because our antenna doesn’t work — to “standard service.”

They tried to sell me digital cable, of course, but it seemed too much too soon. I don’t think I can handle EWTN2, EWTN Classic and EWTN On Demand quite yet.

So last night, we nestled in for a first night of watching TV together in a long time.

My wife wanted to watch a rerun of “The Office” on TBS, but as I reasoned, we could’ve watched “The Office” during our rumspringa — and that watching “The Office” now would be like driving around in a car but tying our horse to the bumper.

So I asked her to just flip through our complete 72-channel lineup.

And when we finally reached channel 72 — CNBC — I was speechless.

I was left searching for the right words, and I think I found them.

“We’re paying 54 bucks a month for this crap?!”

Not much has changed in our absence, to tell you the truth, except the price.

Well, that, and the Sci-Fi Channel now goes by “SyFy,” which sorta looks like something on the menu at a Japanese restaurant.

I’m convinced that at any time of the day, you can find “America’s Funniest Home Videos” and a rerun of “Law & Order.”

Other than that, we could’ve watched “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” last night — inexplicably two months before Christmas and on the country music channel to boot.

TV Land now plays “3rd Rock From the Sun.” When I think of TV Land, I think of “Mr. Ed,” not something that went off the air this decade.

After my wife went to bed, I flipped over to E! and checked out “The Girls Next Door,” only to be slightly nauseated when I realized that, when I was 18, those girls were 5.

And when Hugh Hefner was 18, those girls’ grandparents were embryos.

So I flipped between the 24-hour news channels, where I learned multiple times about a Cub Scout who was sent packing off to reform school for bringing a spork to school.

I think the insinuation on Fox News was that, only in Obama’s America would someone as decent as a Cub Scout be treated like a terrorist.

At that point, I went to bed, only to try again bright and early the next morning.

At 6:30 a.m. on the History Channel, expecting to maybe learn about the “secret brownie recipes of the Nazi SS” during breakfast, I instead got one of those Kevin Trudeau informercials in which he talks to a hot blonde about how to find “free money.”

Out of desperation, I clicked toward VH1 and got the video for Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the U.S.A.”

All I want to know is, what kind of dirt does Billy Ray have on Disney executives, because his bucktoothed goon of a kid is seriously deficient in the talent department.

Ah, but you know, it’s good to be back.

Contact this reporter at (937) 328-0352 or amcginn@coxohio.com.

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Great article!!! Stick it to TW, Andy!

Fan
6:05 PM, 10/17/2009

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Bravo Andy, bravo! Fantastic article.

And all you are missing with the screwy digital package is a bunch of channels down converted to the wrong aspect ratio. It's about as "digital" as yesterday's spaghetti.

Larry Coressel
1:24 PM, 10/17/2009

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54 dollars for this crap,thanks for the laugh,the way TW likes to drop channels it won't be long til we're all be paying 54 dollars a month for their basic package.It's time for an outside antenna,never saw so many worthless channels

B
11:04 PM, 10/16/2009

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Mr. McGinn, your last couple of articles have started to win me over! I'm not always a fan of your reviews, but I love the Amish metaphor!!!

winningmeover
8:55 PM, 10/16/2009

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Switch to direct TV. $43. a month. You'll just have to go to the brother's if you want to watch the Brown's. HA

joy
8:18 PM, 10/16/2009

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