The Adobe Flash Player is required to view this multimedia interactive. Get it here.

My opinion

McGinn: Local kids ask Santa for weaponry and dolls with real hair

Young Andrew McGinn on Christmas Day in 1980-something. Look what Santa brought! But everybody knows that only an idiot would take an original X-wing fighter out of the box. That thing would be worth some cash now.

ENLARGE PHOTO

McGinn

ENLARGE PHOTO

Here's a typical letter to Santa, courtesy of the Springfield post office. Brendan writes that, "I want super powers, but they arnt (sic) real so I want that new spongebob movie."

ENLARGE PHOTO

Taste of Cincinnati expected  to draw 500,000 people
5/23/12
Local ingredients key for bartender
5/16/12
How well do you know Kings Island?
5/13/12
Time cover shows mom breastfeeding 3-year-old
5/11/12
Local heroes bring a touch of realism to 'Avengers' Cleveland set
5/2/12
> More headlines

By Andrew McGinn, Staff Writer 9:55 AM Friday, December 23, 2011

I want to make this known, and I think now is the time to say it before somebody up and goes postal — I’ve always liked the U.S. Postal Service.

I mean, who else will deliver a letter for you, free of charge, to the North Pole?

It’s an incredible service they provide this time of year — and if that makes me an anti-free market socialist, then I’m proud to be as red as Santa’s suit.

C’mon, though, no parent wants to send their kid’s letter to Santa via UPS.

But if it eventually comes down to that, just don’t let the UPS Store make a box for it under any circumstances — it’s got to be cheaper to secure the contents of your package with the glittering scat of flying reindeer than it is to use the foam peanuts they provide.

Writing and mailing a letter to Santa — and not having to pay anything for someone’s employees to handle all that mail — is an American tradition.

You did it. I did it, too.

In fact, my mom recently brought over a big Rubbermaid container full of items from my childhood, including my baby book. (I always thought she might keep that in her possession until the fateful day her heart finally gave out, but whatever.)

Inside were a few letters I’d penned to Santa, reproduced in my small-town, hometown newspaper under the heading “Santa’s Mailbox.” (The original letters, of course, were hand-delivered to Santa’s house by a smiling civil servant.)

I particularly enjoyed this one from 1983.

And for added charm, we’ll leave the spelling and punctuation errors as they are, which means all you snooty He-Man fans needn’t bother shooting off any snarky emails. I know that “Attack Trak” is actually spelled “Attak Trak.”

And I also meant “Panthor,” not “Panther.” I blame the paper for that one.

Dear Santa,

How have you been? I would like Mr. T, Trap Jaw, Talon Fighter, Panther, Jabba the Hut, tie fighter, a Pac-Man mini-game.

My brother Marty would like a Speeder bike, Attack Trak and a drum.

We have been pretty good. We will leave a cookie for you and a carrot for Rudolph. My brother calls you Ho-Ho.

Andy McGinn

That reads like the ultimate ’80s wish list, doesn’t it?

Of course, 28 years from now, today’s letters to Santa will be just as representative of the era in which they were written.

The Springfield post office was kind enough to let me commit a federal offense — by reading Santa’s mail.

The majority of letters to Santa ask for toys that I’m utterly clueless about.

In other words, nobody this Christmas asked for a single  Mr. T.

I liked this one, and we’ll again leave the spelling mistakes intact.

And, yeah, this is all one sentence, too, as if its author was all hopped up on Benzedrine and coffee late one night like Jack Kerouac.

Dear Santa,

I don’t know if I’m not being good but may I have some Barbies and Barbie shoes and Ken dolls and Ken cloths and if I’m good may I have a real phone with minites games and songs with Salena Gomez songs and cool games a phone like that one I saw at the store with my aunt the one that when you slide it up it pops out

Love, Kayleigh

Some prefer to keep it short and sweet.

Dear Santa,

Plz bring me a Justin Bieber real hair doll.

Thank you, Kaileigh

If I didn’t know better, I’d think that was something used in a voodoo ritual.

Other letters are, frankly, illegible and borderline scary, and appear to have been scribbled in a language that only a Navajo elder or the Zodiac Killer could decipher.

But then there are ones that are perfectly legible and perfectly direct.

Like this one.

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a shotgun and a helicopter.

Thank you, John Jr.

Out of all the letters, John Jr., I truly hope you get everything you want this Christmas.

Contact this reporter at amcginn@coxohio.com.

Share this article