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My opinion

McGinn: Finally, Springfield gets a one-stop-shop for ninja weaponry

McGinn

Bill Lackey Ninja Headquarters owner Nuka Graf with the infamous ninja “black egg” for ease of escape after you take down an opponent.

ENLARGE PHOTO

Bill Lackey Nuka Graf, owner of Ninja Headquarters at the Upper Valley Mall, shows off some of the katanas for sale in her store.

ENLARGE PHOTO

Bill Lackey Mom, I want that for Christmas! Ninja Headquarters owner Nuka Graf has a spike-covered club for sale at her Upper Valley Mall store.

ENLARGE PHOTO

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By Andrew McGinn, Staff Writer Updated 2:07 PM Friday, December 2, 2011

Many times throughout life, I’ve thought, “Why am I not a practitioner of the ninjutsu art of metsubushi?”

No, not Mitsubishi.

Have you ever seen a ninja make his escape in a Galant? (Besides, everyone knows ninjas have been partial to Hondas as far back as feudal Japan.)

I’m talking about metsubushi — “the art of using blinding concoctions.”

Like the ninja who somersaults out of nowhere, flings a throwing star into the carotid artery of an enemy and then throws down a little capsule and takes his leave behind a cloud of smoke.

God knows I’ve found myself in need of a little capsule now and again.

Like the time growing up when I was cornered in a locker room by this older jerk of a kid who threatened to make me lick his shoe — a penny loafer that he’d been wearing without socks. (Hey, it was the ’80s.)

Poof!

Like the time I asked a girl out and she “just wanted to be friends.”

Poof!

Like all the times my mom took me back-to-school shopping and, in need of a clerk to help us find some jeans to fit my strange body type, she would wander around J.C. Penney yelling, “Doesn’t anyone wanna make a sale?!”

Poof!

Like you, though, I didn’t think such a thing existed in real life. I assumed they were a product of the movies.

But that was before I decided to have a look around the Upper Valley Mall’s most unique — and by most unique, I mean most awesome — store, Ninja Headquarters.

And there it was.

The “ninja black egg.”

Throw that sucker down and — Poof! — out comes a cloud of crushed pepper dust to temporarily blind your foe.

One egg will run you $19.99.

To me, that’s a small price to pay the next time some punk tries to force you to lick his penny loafer.

But, after browsing this locally owned, one-of-a-kind store, I also want a grappling hook ($29.99) and a blowgun ($7.99 on up to $34.99).

And a mask. You can’t be a ninja without the mask ($12.99).

Thank God Christmas is coming.

This year, I want Santa to give me everything I need to be a shadow warrior.

I’ll come back for a katana in the spring when I get my tax refund.

As a man-child of almost 35, I’ve long had a soft spot for ninjas.

I grew up in the ’80s, renting movies like “American Ninja” and “Pray for Death” from the local video store.

We played “Ninja Gaiden” on Nintendo.

My brother and I once set up a “ninja training camp” in our yard. We bought metal “throwing stars” from a booth at the town festival and proceeded to take aim at our dad’s shed.

Either they weren’t sharp enough or we couldn’t throw them hard enough — they never seemed to stick in the wood siding like they did a man’s torso in the movies.

I’ll admit.

Part of me wonders, “OK, Andy, as a husband and a father, do you really need an honest-to-God, working blowgun capable of bringing down small game?”

Does anyone need that AK-47 I saw Dunham’s Sports advertising on Black Friday?

Does anyone need a 73-inch flat-screen TV?

“Some men tell me, ‘When my wife’s not with me, I’ll come back,’ ” store owner Nuka Graf said.

A native of Thailand, Graf bought the mall store, formerly called Feng Shui Living, five years ago.

“Feng Shui didn’t work out,” she confessed.

What did work was Asian weaponry — with a new focus and an expanded line of merchandise, she renamed the store Ninja Headquarters this fall.

“As soon as we changed the name to Ninja,” Graf said, “people who walked by my store before walked in.”

Customers tend to either be fans of Japanese anime or guys in their 30s and 40s — ahem — who want cool stuff.

Like the $150 katana.

“This one you could chop a pig in half,” Graf explained, pulling the sword out of its sheath. “That’s how high quality it is.”

You have to be 18 to buy the weapons — which means it sucks to be Ethan Baumgardner, a Possum Elementary School third-grader who recently was admiring the merchandise with a friend.

“When I get older,” Baumgardner proclaimed, “I’m so gettin’ stuff from here.”

Little brother, you and me both.

Contact this reporter at amcginn@coxohio.com.

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