For men facing infertility, Father’s Day can be a difficult day indeed.
“I spent many a Father’s Day silently grieving because I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling,” says Horace Arnold, a Dayton man whose 12-year journey with infertility produced emotions ranging from agony and intense anger to pain.
Arnold and his wife, Lena, both now 43, are the co-founders of INfertility Press. Their first book, penned by Lena Arnold, is a series of letters to her hoped-for children entitled “For This Child We Prayed: Living with the Secret Shame of Infertility.” Much of it involves her intimate struggles with God and her religion.
“We always considered having children and thought it would just be the natural course of things,” says Lena Arnold. Her husband came from a big family and always assumed his own family would be the same.
But, as the years passed, having children became more of a concern. As blacks and Christians, the couple says their problem was intensified.
“We tried to talk to people about the issue, but it was just a subject people in the African-American community didn’t discuss,” said Lena Arnold.
“Everyone would just say, ‘oh, you’ll get pregnant, don’t worry about it.’ Even one of my doctors told me that. And people in the Christian community said you just need to pray and have faith.”
Horace Arnold remembers walking into church one Father’s Day and being handed a white carnation.
“When I asked what it was for, I was told that all the fathers were getting one,” he says. “Now being a man, I certainly couldn’t cry, so I just threw it down, right then and there.”
It was five years before a medical specialist was recommended. But for a religious Christian couple, the potential solutions raised even more concerns.
“I told the doctor we were Christian and we were trying to figure out how the procedures and treatments for infertility would work,” recalls Lena Arnold. “When you go through in vitro fertilization, for example, there’s a possibility you might have embryos left, so from an ethical standpoint, what do you do with the ones you don’t need? If you allow those embryos to be adopted, it becomes abandonment.”
Another issue for the Arnolds: How would the sperm be collected for the procedure?
They didn’t want to use conventional techniques. “We don’t believe in pornography,” says Lena Arnold.
Instead of being sympathetic or offering solutions, their doctor suggested they were being superstitious and silly.
Those negative responses caused the couple to back off for another two years.
But eventually Dr. Keith Watson in Yellow Springs brought hope and help.
“He was the kind of person who wanted to know what kind of people we were, our background,” says Lena Arnold. “He was the first person to listen to what we were trying to say. We loved him.”
Mrs. Arnold was diagnosed with advanced endometriosis and in vitro fertilization was eventually recommended. But Dr. Watson provided advice and options that felt more comfortable.
“He told us there are different ways to obtain a sperm sample without going into that room,” says Lena Arnold.
“Thank God, this doctor understood that people come with different backgrounds and beliefs. We learned you can still be a good Christian and still have your needs met.”
In the past six years, Father’s Day has been a joy for Horace Arnold: the couple now has a 6-year-old daughter, and 4-year-old twin boys.
Horace will plant flowers for Father’s Day with his children as a reminder of the beautiful blossoms with which he has been entrusted. He enjoys teaching his children how to fish, how to swim, how to pray.
The couple’s publishing company aims at helping other couples facing similar problems. They hope to dispel myths about infertility, particularly in the black and Christian communities.
“This is a faith issue, but a medical issue as well,” says Lena Arnold. “Without faith our three children wouldn’t be here, but at the same time faith is only part of the process — God also gives you doctors.”
