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Our take on the most talked about topics of 2011

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Updated 5:13 PM Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 saw the fairy-tale wedding of William and Kate, while Kim Kardashian’s marriage turned out to be a short story. Larry King, Oprah and Regis left their talk shows and Charlie Sheen left his sanity. Here’s our take on the year’s news.

JANUARY

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT DONATE $2 MILLION TO WILDLIFE SANCTUARY: They want to raise free-range orphans.

JOHN BOEHNER CRIES AS HE RECEIVES SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE GAVEL: Nancy Pelosi had been using it to crush onions.

OPRAH SAYS DEPRESSION MADE HER EAT 30 POUNDS OF MAC ‘N’ CHEESE: She also ate several small pets who had wandered into the room.

“MAD MEN” ACTRESS CHRISTINA HENDRICKS LOSES $850,000 BRACELET ON GOLDEN GLOBE’S RED CARPET: It fell into her cleavage, never to be seen again.

“JERSEY SHORE” WILL FLY TO ITALY FOR SEASON 4: Snooki says she’s really excited because she’s never been to Paris.

KARDASHIAN SISTERS CONTINUE TO DRAW HIGH TV RATINGS: It’s like “The Jersey Shore” with less puking.

HUMAN TORCH DIES IN CURRENT ISSUE OF “FANTASTIC FOUR”: He was standing behind The Thing after “taco night” at FF headquarters.

FEBRUARY

LOOTERS TEAR THE HEADS OFF 2 MUMMIES IN EGYPT: Find out they’re filled with creamy nougat.

SOUTH CAROLINA POLITICIAN SAYS STATE NEEDS OWN CURRENCY: Prefaced comments with, “I say, I say there.”

ROSEANNE BARR TO STAR IN REALITY SHOW SET IN HAWAII: The natives will throw virgins into her smoking mouth.

NICOLE KIDMAN SAYS FERTILITY HAS BEEN “A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE”: Which explains why she and Keith Urban are banned from Disneyland.

MARCH

STEVE CARELL HAS FILMED HIS LAST EPISODE OF “THE OFFICE”: NBC security met him at his cubicle with a cardboard box.

BOBBY BROWN SAYS HIS DAUGHTER DOESN’T DO DRUGS: Because Daddy doesn’t share.

BRITNEY AND K-FED REUNITE FOR SON’S LITTLE LEAGUE GAME: Violating several court orders involving proximity and baseball bats.

JERMAINE JACKSON PLANS TO TELL “WHAT REALLY HAPPENED” TO MICHAEL: Jermaine took him to a farm where he could run and play with the other animals.

ANN COULTER SAYS RADIATION IS GOOD FOR YOU: Then peels off latex skin to reveal glowing, green body made of anti-matter.

LEGENDARY BLUESMAN PINETOP PERKINS DIES: Goes by “Pinebox” now.

APRIL

KIRSTIE ALLEY LOSES A SHOE DURING “DANCING WITH THE STARS” PERFORMANCE: Luckily, there was a blacksmith in the audience.

PRINCE WILLIAM PARTIES AT SECRET BACHELOR BASH: William was heard shouting, “Off with their tops!”

KENDRA WILKINSON COMPARES “DANCING WITH THE STARS” TO SEX: Except for having just one partner.

MEAT LOAF HAS EPIC MELTDOWN ON “CELEBRITY APPRENTICE”: He got so hot he started making his own gravy.

KE$HA WANTS TO SKINNY DIP WITH BRITNEY SPEARS: Not enough chlorine in the world.

CHARLIE SHEEN SAYS HE’S BEEN IN TALKS TO RETURN TO “TWO AND A HALF MEN”: Mostly with the little man who lives in his shoe.

TYLER PERRY TELLS SPIKE LEE TO GO TO HELL: Or watch a “Madea” movie — same thing.

MAY

PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS BIN LADEN IS NOT A TROPHY: Joe Biden sighs, removes the antlers from bin Laden’s head.

JUSTIN BIEBER GETS EGGED DURING AUSTRALIA CONCERT: Some girl threw her ovaries.

KATY PERRY BUNGIE JUMPS IN NEW ZEALAND: The flapping sound could be heard as far away as Australia.

JUNE

CLASSIC NOVEL “GONE WITH THE WIND” TURNS 75: Frankly, Scarlet, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

HUGH HEFNER’S FIANCE CALLS OFF WEDDING AT LAST MINUTE: On the grounds that it would be “icky.”

STEVIE WONDER INDUCTED INTO APOLLO HALL OF FAME: Still doesn’t know he wasn’t really on the moon.

JULY

LINDSAY LOHAN TWEETS CRITICISM OF FEDERAL RESERVE: Unfortunately, Lohan thinks the Federal Reserve is where Yogi Bear lives.

 DANIEL RADCLIFFE REVEALS STRUGGLE WITH ALCOHOL: He knew he had a problem after he barfed into the Sorting Hat.

KIM KARDASHIAN, FIANCE STUDYING THE BIBLE: Unfortunately, it keeps bursting into flames when she touches it.

KEVIN BACON DRIVES DOGS CROSS-COUNTRY TO VISIT KYRA SEDGWICK: He would have brought the cats, but they wanted to stop at the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn.

OZZY OSBOURNE SHELLS OUT $10,000 FOR A YORKIE: He said it was delicious.

ANCIENT “FRANKENSTEIN” INSECT DISCOVERED: Scientists found it by following a trail of tiny, ancient villagers.

MICHELLE OBAMA TO APPEAR ON TV’S “EXTREME MAKEOVER”: The whole family enjoys a trip to Disney World while the White House is demolished.

DUCHESS KATE, QUEEN ELIZABETH TO BOND ON SUMMER VACATION: Two words: Body shots!

KANYE WEST AND JAY-Z TEAM TO BECOME THE THRONE: It sounds more impressive than “The Commode.”

CHILEAN MINERS SELL MOVIE RIGHTS TO THEIR STORY: Happy Meal tie-in comes with a blindfold, sense of despair.

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